Liquid Plummer

Archive for December, 2013|Monthly archive page

The Poop Tent

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Walking down the street and have to take a shit with no place to go?

Introducing The Poop Tent.

Just flip open the handy collapsible tent and your sturdy Travel Toilet, and you’re shitting in the privacy of your own public bathroom, IN PUBLIC, IN PRIVATE!!!

No more begging restaurants or paying those exorbitant stall fees for you.

Act now and we’ll throw in an extra Poop Tent absolutely free,

Just pay separate shitting and handling.

ORDER NOW!!!

Toilet paper and Flush water not included.

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The Butter Buddy

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2013 at 6:04 pm

Still searching for those last minute Christmas gifts?

Well have I got news for you.

Introducing, The Butter Buddy.

Kind of like a stapler.

Kind of like a Pez dispenser.

Exactly like a shitty “As seen on TV product”.

Just load it up with your favorite stick of butter or margarine, tilt the rocker head back and the “Butter Buddy” dispenses a perfect pad of your favorite spread EVERY TIME!!!

Act now and we’ll throw in three additional Butterface  character heads at no extra charge.

CALL NOW!!!

Rudolph the Red Nosed Drug Addict

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2013 at 1:13 pm

Rudolph’s nose was red because he was high on coke all time so his parents tried to hide it by putting that black stuff on his nose but Rudolph just couldn’t resist getting high before the reindeer games. When it was Rudolph’s turn at flight class he was so high he took to the sky with ease but when he started rough housing with fireball the black stuff fell off his nose and everyone knew he was high forcing Rudolp to leave town. Considering drug addicts often hang out together he started hanging out with Hermie the ostracized Elf that only wanted to be a dentist so he could write himself drug prescriptions and huff nitric oxide. Eventually Hermie and Rudolph run into former addict and substance abuse counselor Yukon Cornelius who talks them into going to the island of Misfit Toys Rehab Center.  Hermie and Rudolph both agree but Rudolph can’t resist his addiction and runs away so he doesn’t influence his friend into relapsing, and because he’s on the run from the Abominable Snowman drug dealer kingpin. Finally after years of living on the streets Rudolph finally gets over his addiction and decides to return home only to find out the Abominable Snowman has been pimping out Clarice to pay for Rudolph’s unpaid drug debts. So now Rudolph has to save the day.  He busts into the Snowman’s liar like Christian Slater in True Romance, only to get his ass kicked forcing Yukon Cornelius to once again, save his ass, and everyone lives happily ever after with Rudolph pulling Santa’s sleigh through a “snowstorm” every year for community service.

STAR WARS: OBI WAN KENOBI: THE MIDLIFE CRISIS YEARS

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2013 at 11:34 am

After going into hiding from the Empire on Tatooine, Obi Wan becomes extremely depressed and spends most of his time at Mos Eisleys Cantina telling drunken bar stories of how he taught Darth Vader everything he knows and how Anakin wouldn’t be the Emperor’s right hand man if it wasn’t for Obi Wan’s training.

One night at the Cantina teenage Han Solo approaches Obi Wan at the bar and offers Obi Wan a free death stick sample proclaiming. “You really want to feel The Force pal”? “Try one of these babies”. “You’ll make the Kessel run in less than 12 Parsecs without ever leaving that bar stool”.

Obi Wan waves his hand attempting to use a Jedi Mind Trick to get Han Solo to “go away”. Obi Wan’s mind trick is misdirected towards the bartender.

The bartender walks away.

OBI WAN
(To Bartender)
Not you, get back here.

As Obi Wan is distracted, Han slips the death stick into Obi Wan’s drink.

Cut to Obi Wan high on death sticks entertaining everyone in the bar by levitating four bar patrons, various chairs, candles and bottles.

Obi Wan releases the patrons from levitation, causing them to fall. Their drinks are still floating in the air. Obi Wan levitates the drinks in his direction so he can grab them from the air. Everyone in the bar cheers.

Obi Wan eventually gets addicted to Death Sticks and has to resort to street performing to support his drug habit by using his force powers to levitate tourists then Jedi mind tricks to get them to throw a couple more credits into his tip jar.

After word gets around that Obi Wan is bad mouthing Darth Vader, Vader disguises himself as a limbless pan handler and starts to heckle Obi Wan during his act.

Vader
“Levitation is for pussies, why don’t you force choke somebody”? “Can’t you shoot lightning out of your hands”? “Boooooo, Boooooo”

Obi Wan is distracted by the heckling and tries to quite down Vader with a mind trick, which of course, Vader easily blocks with his newly attained Sith powers. Obi Wan recognizes this Sith technique and realizes it’s actually Anakin heckling him.

Obi Wan
“Anakin, is that you”? “You poor limbless bastard, how’ve you been”?

Anakin
“Better than you junkie”.

Eventually the two end up in the bar having drinks and talking old times.

Obi Wan
“Anaking, just tell me one thing”? “How in the Hell do you wipe your ass”?

Anakin
“Oh you haven’t seen me in the suite yet have you? No, how could you, you’ve been down here. I’m like three feet taller than I ever was with legs. I’ve got this cool front console with media drive slots and a headphone jack, and a btichin helmet that’s just like the Legion of Doom hideout in the Superfriends cartoons”.

Eventually Anakin actually apologizes to Obi Wan and suggests they work together so when Luke turns eighteen they can work together to make it up to Luke by actually planning everything that happens in episodes four five and six, making Luke the hero and giving him something to live for other than harvesting crops for Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

The End