Liquid Plummer

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Why they will never get it.

In Uncategorized on December 7, 2014 at 1:50 pm

It’s only been 50+ years since the civil rights movement began to break down the barriers to desegregated higher education and jobs that can lead to and improved standard of living and an enriched, healthy and supportive lifestyle.

Do you really think 50 years of essentially starting from zero when it comes to access to upward mobility is going automatically put an oppressed population in the same educational and economic environment as the population that has had consistent access to those advantages?

There is no way around the argument that a portion of the population in this country has had a lasting and established advantage and access to affluence, by about a 500 year head start, that aren’t refused access to jobs and education based on the color of their skin.

I guess I wrote this because I see people aligning or comparing their situation with the situation of those that have been oppressed by 500 years of slavery, discrimination and institutional racism and I think the aforementioned aren’t considering the aspect of the argument I’ve outlined above.

Like I’ve said before, I believe there is an overwhelming environment of the powerful vs the less powerful that prefer to instigate squabbling over who is to blame, when the blame, should be directed by the less powerful, towards the powerful, instead of the less powerful blaming each other.

If you think I’m wrong or inaccurate please tell me why.

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The Poop Tent

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Walking down the street and have to take a shit with no place to go?

Introducing The Poop Tent.

Just flip open the handy collapsible tent and your sturdy Travel Toilet, and you’re shitting in the privacy of your own public bathroom, IN PUBLIC, IN PRIVATE!!!

No more begging restaurants or paying those exorbitant stall fees for you.

Act now and we’ll throw in an extra Poop Tent absolutely free,

Just pay separate shitting and handling.

ORDER NOW!!!

Toilet paper and Flush water not included.

The Butter Buddy

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2013 at 6:04 pm

Still searching for those last minute Christmas gifts?

Well have I got news for you.

Introducing, The Butter Buddy.

Kind of like a stapler.

Kind of like a Pez dispenser.

Exactly like a shitty “As seen on TV product”.

Just load it up with your favorite stick of butter or margarine, tilt the rocker head back and the “Butter Buddy” dispenses a perfect pad of your favorite spread EVERY TIME!!!

Act now and we’ll throw in three additional Butterface  character heads at no extra charge.

CALL NOW!!!

Rudolph the Red Nosed Drug Addict

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2013 at 1:13 pm

Rudolph’s nose was red because he was high on coke all time so his parents tried to hide it by putting that black stuff on his nose but Rudolph just couldn’t resist getting high before the reindeer games. When it was Rudolph’s turn at flight class he was so high he took to the sky with ease but when he started rough housing with fireball the black stuff fell off his nose and everyone knew he was high forcing Rudolp to leave town. Considering drug addicts often hang out together he started hanging out with Hermie the ostracized Elf that only wanted to be a dentist so he could write himself drug prescriptions and huff nitric oxide. Eventually Hermie and Rudolph run into former addict and substance abuse counselor Yukon Cornelius who talks them into going to the island of Misfit Toys Rehab Center.  Hermie and Rudolph both agree but Rudolph can’t resist his addiction and runs away so he doesn’t influence his friend into relapsing, and because he’s on the run from the Abominable Snowman drug dealer kingpin. Finally after years of living on the streets Rudolph finally gets over his addiction and decides to return home only to find out the Abominable Snowman has been pimping out Clarice to pay for Rudolph’s unpaid drug debts. So now Rudolph has to save the day.  He busts into the Snowman’s liar like Christian Slater in True Romance, only to get his ass kicked forcing Yukon Cornelius to once again, save his ass, and everyone lives happily ever after with Rudolph pulling Santa’s sleigh through a “snowstorm” every year for community service.

STAR WARS: OBI WAN KENOBI: THE MIDLIFE CRISIS YEARS

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2013 at 11:34 am

After going into hiding from the Empire on Tatooine, Obi Wan becomes extremely depressed and spends most of his time at Mos Eisleys Cantina telling drunken bar stories of how he taught Darth Vader everything he knows and how Anakin wouldn’t be the Emperor’s right hand man if it wasn’t for Obi Wan’s training.

One night at the Cantina teenage Han Solo approaches Obi Wan at the bar and offers Obi Wan a free death stick sample proclaiming. “You really want to feel The Force pal”? “Try one of these babies”. “You’ll make the Kessel run in less than 12 Parsecs without ever leaving that bar stool”.

Obi Wan waves his hand attempting to use a Jedi Mind Trick to get Han Solo to “go away”. Obi Wan’s mind trick is misdirected towards the bartender.

The bartender walks away.

OBI WAN
(To Bartender)
Not you, get back here.

As Obi Wan is distracted, Han slips the death stick into Obi Wan’s drink.

Cut to Obi Wan high on death sticks entertaining everyone in the bar by levitating four bar patrons, various chairs, candles and bottles.

Obi Wan releases the patrons from levitation, causing them to fall. Their drinks are still floating in the air. Obi Wan levitates the drinks in his direction so he can grab them from the air. Everyone in the bar cheers.

Obi Wan eventually gets addicted to Death Sticks and has to resort to street performing to support his drug habit by using his force powers to levitate tourists then Jedi mind tricks to get them to throw a couple more credits into his tip jar.

After word gets around that Obi Wan is bad mouthing Darth Vader, Vader disguises himself as a limbless pan handler and starts to heckle Obi Wan during his act.

Vader
“Levitation is for pussies, why don’t you force choke somebody”? “Can’t you shoot lightning out of your hands”? “Boooooo, Boooooo”

Obi Wan is distracted by the heckling and tries to quite down Vader with a mind trick, which of course, Vader easily blocks with his newly attained Sith powers. Obi Wan recognizes this Sith technique and realizes it’s actually Anakin heckling him.

Obi Wan
“Anakin, is that you”? “You poor limbless bastard, how’ve you been”?

Anakin
“Better than you junkie”.

Eventually the two end up in the bar having drinks and talking old times.

Obi Wan
“Anaking, just tell me one thing”? “How in the Hell do you wipe your ass”?

Anakin
“Oh you haven’t seen me in the suite yet have you? No, how could you, you’ve been down here. I’m like three feet taller than I ever was with legs. I’ve got this cool front console with media drive slots and a headphone jack, and a btichin helmet that’s just like the Legion of Doom hideout in the Superfriends cartoons”.

Eventually Anakin actually apologizes to Obi Wan and suggests they work together so when Luke turns eighteen they can work together to make it up to Luke by actually planning everything that happens in episodes four five and six, making Luke the hero and giving him something to live for other than harvesting crops for Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

The End

A Commentary on the American Nightmare: A Diary of the Unemployed: The Early Years Part 5

In The Early Years, Uncategorized on August 25, 2010 at 12:39 am

So, now I’m a man (boy) without a pool. There’s no way I’m getting back in now or maybe ever, and it gets worse. My friends have come to tell me the apartment complex manager wants to have a meeting with me and Vic. This is not a good thing, considering that the complex manage was a complete and total nut job, fucking cunt. Think of the elementary school vice principle in Uncle Buck, you know, the one with the mole. In short, a hideous human being.

This was the kind of person that was so relentlessly and needlessly mean, nasty and intentionally vindictive that they make you want to viciously beat them, stomp their face in with your boots, then light them on fire. As I think about it now I’m filled an insurmountable amount of rage at how callously vicious this piece of shit was to a bunch of little kids. Yes, I’m bitter.

Until this cunt came along, we played football in the field next to one of the buildings, we skateboarded down the big hill that ran from from the top of the complex down to the bottom, we built tree forts, played hide and seek all over the property and generally had free reign, with no issues or complaints from anyone.

Then this worthless bitch, with nothing better to do with her time, decides she’s gonna put a stop to all our fun and activities for no other reason than I really think she got off on the power trip of it. She definitely had now power in any other aspect of her life, no husband, no kids, nobody. So I think she took it out on whoever she could, and we just happened to be the easiest targets she could find.

She actually told us we should not be outside, that we should go home, and stay indoors. I really think she was must have been crazy or something. She went out of her way on a daily basis to break up our football games, baseball games, hide and seek and any and all activities that she could interfere with, proclaiming that people were complaining, bullshit! Eventually we got fed up and just started to tell her to fuck off. It even got to the point where I splattered model paint on her office window as revenge. I truly hated that fucking beast. But I digress. Back to the meeting.

So in order for me to return to the pool I had to have a meeting with the manager and lifeguard. She didn’t call my mother and say I needed to have this meeting. This crazy bitch was no maniacal and demented, she wanted to have a meeting with a nine year old, and another adult. See what I mean, she was fucking nuts.

So here I go, off to my meeting. A little kid, with two adults, to see if I will be allowed to go back to the pool. Maybe I didn’t specify the extent to which this lady was fucking crazy and for all I knew was were luring me into her office so her and Vic could do me in. I was genuinely scared for my life. So I brought a knife and I was ready to use it.

So let me see if I can recall how this all went down. It was a long time ago but I’m pretty sure it went like this. I walk into her office, which is directly adjacent to the pool, so you could smell the chlorine. It was a cloudy day, upstate New York is very hot and humid in the summer and there are frequent thunderstorms, so the pool was closed, no swimming in case of lightning and all. So I go in, the manager, let’s call her Alice, is sitting at her desk and Vic is standing behind her. They both stare at me intensely, then Alice tells me to sit down.

Have you ever had a situation with your parents or a teacher lecturing you, and you just sort of go along with it because you have to, then just agree with what they say so they won’t talk anymore? That’s pretty much what happened. Oh, and Vic threatened to kill me if I ever did anything like that again. Seriously, he paced back and forth throughout Alice’s speech and blurted out, “I’ll fucking kill you, I don’t care”. Suffice it to say I was alarmed by his declaration and pretty pissed off at the same time. All I could think was, “I can’t believe this guy just threatened my life, I’M FUCKING NINE OVER HERE DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK”. So I reached into my pocket to grasp my knife and thought, go ahead mother fucker and I’m gonna stick you like the greasy pig that you are. So blah blah blah, they gave me their little lecture and threatened my life and I was outa there. I was allowed to return to the pool, but I can’t for the life of me remember ever seeing Vic or that hideous beast again. Or maybe, there’s nothing substantial enough to remember about them, but I’m sure there entire lives were like that. More to Come. Haven’t contributed to this series in over a year until my friend left a simple comment that he wanted to read more. Thanks to Jason Lacour for the inspiration to continue writing my stories, thanks man. Here’s his link

http://heavyhittersofcomedy.com/2010/06/25/gainfully-unemployed/

Friendly Fire

In Uncategorized on July 21, 2010 at 1:36 am

I know I’ve hurt you
I’ve seen your face in my memories
My words crushing you
Friendly fire still kills

Full of Shit

In Uncategorized on July 21, 2010 at 1:35 am

Just because you believe it doesn’t mean it’s true.
Most People Need the Lie
Leave your optimism at the door
The Revolution will only complain until they get their market share.
We are all responsible for the success of the rich and the oppression of the poor.
The Success of the Few Depends on the Suffering of the Many.
You want to save the planet Kill yourself.
If you agree with any of these you are on your way.

Untitled

In Uncategorized on July 21, 2010 at 1:33 am

I’m the king and court jester
The philosopher and the fool
The judges, judge
The righteous and the wicked
I am you except with humility
I saw hypocrisy in myself long before I ever saw it in you.

We, are the satire
We, are the joke
We are, the fools
Still primitive
Three thousand years of reason doesn’t stand a chance against
Six billion years of instinct
The instinct to survive makes you hate.
You think this art brings us together
We sharpen our teeth with it
Then tear each other to pieces
You’ll destroy your brother before he destroys you
Even grandmothers have bloodlust.

You think these things happen for free
Your soul is the cost
When you’re destroyed by it
Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is torture
No one is innocent

Humanity is Corrupt

In Uncategorized on July 21, 2010 at 1:30 am

There is no such thing as the virtuous soul. The primitive beast explodes into life and devours until death. Love, friendship, money, possessions are all required and battled for. Can you be alone without being lonely. Among your friends are you the parasite or the host?