The Relationship Guide: Part 8 Time To Get Serious

Rule 9

Your feelings may be used against you.

As practical as we have been up to this point, we have to be realistic. As vibrant mature adults, we have certain necessities and desires that can only be fulfilled by emotional support and physical interaction.

This is where everything we’ve talked about concerning logic and practicality will usually get thrown out the window due to our inability to maintain any level of rational thinking during intense emotional situations.

Something happens to people when they begin to engage in the romantic aspects of a relationship. Our emotions and feelings begin to take over as we begin to bond and develop a higher level of openness and trust with one another. The combination of affection, tenderness and passion, propels us into emotional overdrive, leaving us in a euphoric state of bliss. We are so overcome with joy, we throw caution to the wind and often give ourselves completely to the other person.

Big mistake.

In Part 6, I likened a relationship to the card game war and told you to give your interests and concerns values, similar to card values, which you would, similar to the card game war, reveal to your partner as your relationship progressed.

Using your cards at this point in your relationship is now more important then ever, only now, your cards represent your most intimate, personal and often most vulnerable aspects of your personality. These feelings should be represented by your highest value cards, for it is these cards, that if revealed too quickly, too often, or even at all, can eventually put your relationship in jeopardy. You need to utilize these cards properly to ensure that you remain sensible concerning the area of your relationship that makes the least sense, love.

Always maintain a level of protection in your relationship, even if you feel the other person is the love of your life, your soul mate, or any of the other emotionally influenced conclusion we arrive at.  Never, ever, let your partner know the fullest extent to which you harbor an emotional attachment to them.

Rule 10

Never show your last Ace.

Your last ace is the card that represents the feelings you have towards your partner where you consider them your  soul mate, the love of your life and possibly the only person you can ever see yourself with.  Never, ever, show this card.  You need to keep this card to yourself as protection against the potential fickle nature of your partner. When you refrain from showing this card you send incredibly powerful psychological messages.  1.  That your love for them is not based on any kind of week or needy necessity you have or rely on them to fulfill.  2.  It let’s them know that, even though you’ve declared your love for them, that you’re a big boy, or girl, and you will be just fine if your fairy tale romance doesn’t work out.  3.  It send the message that, hey, if you keep trying, maybe I’ll give myself to you, completely, which, if you listen to me, YOU NEVER WILL. This is what will keep them chasing you. You have to manipulate their instinct to conquer you, to maintain the psychological impression in their mind, that they still have to work to do to keep you as their mate. Don’t let them get too comfortable. How are you going to keep someone interested in you, if every time they attempt to gain ground, to ease their own insecurities, you just roll over and let them have their way. Make them work for it, play the game, play the game to win. If they aren’t chasing you, you can be dam sure they’re going to be chasing someone else. It is a very subtle psychological tool, but it is one of the most powerful techniques you can use to ensure the longevity of your relationship.

I know many of you are going to say that this is a very deceitful and dishonest way to approach your relationship. That if you can’t completely trust the person enough to give them your heart and soul completely, then you are not with the right person.  My answer to this is simple, just because you believe you are with the right person, doesn’t make it true. People make this false assumption too often for you to follow the trend of true love meets reality, meets failure.

I’m not saying you can’t be in love, I’m just saying that you should never let the other person know that they’ve got you wrapped around their little finger.

Given this information, it is now your responsibility to recognize if you have become the dominant member of your relationship so as not to fall victim the temptation to abuse the power you may very well have at your fingertips. I’m not giving you this information for you to abuse. They are techniques for you to use to protect yourself, not to use as emotional blackmail. If you’re going to use these rules, you have to use them responsibly.

The Relationship Guide: Part 7 Power to the People

One of the things I find interesting about our world is that there is a hierarchy amongst us where freedom is allocated throughout the ranks of our population according to a few different factors.

The most prominent of these factors is power. There is a direct correlation between power and freedom that allows those who have power more freedom than those of us with less power.

The way to obtain power has classically been through lineage. If your parents were rich and powerful you will most likely enjoy the same advantages. Kings and Queens since the Egyptians have passed down their empires to their sons and daughters preserving their rank amongst the privileged and powerful.

This is true to this day but there are many many people who grow up with very little or no advantage in life and work very hard to maneuver themselves into positions of power. I don’t think examples are necessary but if you don’t immediately think of Bill Gates, Oprah, or ninety percent of the millionaires in this country that are self made, you aren’t paying attention to the world.

The reason I’ve taken so long to set up this section with a background on power is that, power is a major aspect of life, from politics to the workplace, friendships and of course, relationships.

When you are in a relationship you have a certain amount of power over the other person and vise versa. You generally care about the other person, if you have a soul, so there is an element of loss that is factored into your interactions that manipulate your behavior.

You are getting what you need from them and vise versa. Neither of you wants to lose this support, so there is a constant give and take occurring at a completely subconscious level and whether you believe it or not, the other person is using that against you. Most of the time they don’t even realize they’re doing it. A lot of the time, they know it all too well.

Human beings are a fickle species, always complaining about what they have, while yearning for what they don’t. I’m not saying anything new here and it doesn’t apply to everyone, but for many people the act of the chase is part of what keeps them interested, and they will do everything in their power to try to conquer you.

When I say conquer, I just mean, that at first, we are all insecure concerning the livelihood of our potential relationships. No one wants to get hurt, so we strive to attain a stage of stability where we have certain psychological assurances that will conquer our fears of rejection. As our relationships develop our fears are relieved as the other person gives signs and assurances that they are as interested in us, as we are in them. Eventually we get to a point where the other person has given so many assurances that we feel we have conquered our own fears and any real or implied resistance from our companion.

This is also the point where people begin participate in what I think is nothing more than a co-dependent relationship.  We are so seduced by the euphoria of passion and physical interaction that we simply become addicted to these interactions.  This is where the power struggle will also start to rear it’s ugly head.  I don’t think you have to look far to find a couple that is in love.  Examine them carefully and you will quickly see who has less power in the relationship.  It is usually the person that is more vulnerable to the real or implied loss they will experience if the relationship ceases to exist.

I think it’s important to mention that this is part of human nature. The instinct to conquer and control our environment is part of our instinct to survive and ultimately guarantees the continuation of the human race. As part of our instinct to survive we utilize the weapons we have at our disposal to entice and seduce one another so that we are attracted to, and will therefore participate in emotionally supportive and physical activity.  If we sense that our mate is somehow too vulnerable, has been conquered too easily, or is too dependent on us for their emotional well being, I believe that it is only natural for us to interpret this as weakness, so we seek someone with more stable emotional tendencies who will, theoretically, have the ability to develop a more stable relationship which is more ideal when considering the ultimate outcome of relationships, child bearing.

 

The Relationship Guide: Part 6 It’s All In The Cards

Rule 8

War is the name of the Game

OK, so you’ve read everything in The Relationship Guide up to now and you’re ready to take the knowledge and wisdom I’ve bestowed upon you (Yes, I will get over myself now) and plunge into the emotional abyss and uncharted territory of a SUCCESSFUL relationship.

So if you’ve followed all the rules from Parts 1 through 5 you should be fairly well prepared to find that special someone or maybe even salvage you current relationship.

I like to use the example of the card game war as an analogy for how relationships are developed and maintained. In the card game war, each player is dealt an even number of cards. During play, you show your cards one by one, with the higher value card(s) winning the round and ownership of all the cards for that round.

Relationships are similar to war, in that, when you are in a relationship your cards represent your interests, concerns, feelings and desires, some of which have higher than others and are represented by higher value cards like Kings and Aces.

For example, your need to have a cheeseburger once in while is a low value card, maybe a two or a three, depending of course on how much you like cheeseburgers, but if cheeseburgers are high value cards in your life, relationships are not your predominant concern and you should go to the deal a meal blog. (an unintended but yet effective pun)

Anyway, as I said, just like the cards, your interests, concerns and desires have different values. As your relationship develops you begin to reveal your cards and usually one of you ends up holding more cards than the other, meaning, when someone has a high value sports card, it will usually win over lower value card held by the other person representing another recreational activity, indicating, what you will be doing in your leisure time or watching on TV.

I don’t think I’m saying anything new here, but no matter how often I witness the balance of power in relationships I’m shocked at how many people are obtuse to their particular situation. Spend any significant amount of time with any couple and sooner or later you will be able to identify the individual who is holding all the cards or at least more cards and therefore, more power in the relationship.

The object of the game for our purposes is not to obtain all of your companions cards. To the contrary, for our purposes you should try to build on a relationship where each of you maintain ownership of an equal amount of cards
Considering the cards represent your interests, concerns and so on, go back and start with the criteria in Part 4 (common interests, enjoy the same activities, same outlook on the world) in conjunction with the card value you place on each of these criteria. This will work as a barometer for you to measure how compatible you are with your companion.

For example, your environmental responsibility card is a queen or a king and your companion’s is a five or six. You recycle, he throws trash out the window on the highway.

DONE DEAL, MOVE ON!!!!!

DO NOT SETTLE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T VALUE THE SAME THINGS YOU DO.

As you begin to reveal your highest value cards your ideal companion should match yours, card for card, or at least come very close. When this happens, I think you can begin to build confidence that you are headed for a healthy relationship because each of you agree on issues that are most important to you both.

A match made in heaven right? Not so fast.

Gods of War

The wars all continue for dirt and for sand.
The say it’s their god who gives the command.
A right to the land they reference their book.
They’d see it’s a lie if they would just look.

Their teachings their gods all stolen from others.
Thousand of years before all their mothers.
The stories were told to honor the sun.
Apostles the stars that follow the one.

The stories are there to guide and protect.
You use them for fear your intentions direct.
You enslave the poor souls that believe what you say.
They trust and they hope it’s them you betray.

The god that gave light and heat is the one.
You use as your reason to send off our sons.
To die and to kill no god would support.
Another dead body to fill your report.

Beyond their commandments, beliefs and traditions.
They send you to died in the name of religion.
Beyond all their knowledge of what they think real.
Their thoughts the blockade to the truth unrevealed.

God is no man, no person, no thing.
No name, no spirit, no son of the king.
The thing that makes life is not what you think.
It’s there if you look deep inside is the link.
It binds us together we’re one in the same.
Stop killing your brothers the excuse in his name.

The Relationship Guide: Part 5 – It’s Vegas Baby

Rule 7

Marriage is like Vegas, most people leave it losers.

I like to compare marriage to Las Vegas, the wonderland of beauty, excitement, big dreams and a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. Sound familiar?

Below are a few parallels between marriage and Las Vegas. I think the similarities are pretty interesting.

1. LAS VEGAS IS BUILT ON LOSERS

Las Vegas is one of the wonders of the world, in my eyes anyway. Did you ever ask yourself why it’s so spectacular? I don’t think people think about it much because they accept it as part of the experience, but all the spectacular hotels and monumental replicas are there to lure you in, seducing you, drawing you ever closer, so you can step up to the table and, LOSE YOUR SHIRT.

The probability of winning in Vegas is not good. The odds are something like six to one against you, depending on the game, and how long you play, The longer you play the more likely you are to lose. Again, sound familiar?

Six to one, comes out to a little less than a twenty percent chance of leaving town in the black.

IF YOU DOUBLE YOUR CHANCES YOU STILL ONLY HAVE ABOUT A FORTY PERCENT CHANCE OF WINNING.

If you were in the hospital and your doctor came into the room and said you only had a forty percent chance of surviving your illness, you would shit yourself.

ONLY 45% OF MARRIED COUPLES STAY TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I consider to be an optimistic percentage considering the percentage doesn’t account for how many of those couples are not happy in their marriage.

So, you DOUBLE your chances of winning at Vegas AND YOU’RE STILL ONLY AT A 45% CHANCE OF HAVING A SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY MARRIAGE!!!

DO YOU GET IT NOW!!! If not, go back to sleep.

I can’t stress this point enough, most relationships, let alone marriages, don’t last. Just be with who want to be with. If you want to have property or hospital rights, in some states you can set up a civil union or domestic partnership. If not, go to a lawyer and draw up paperwork that states you have these rights. OK, so you can’t claim them on your taxes, but really, if you’re factoring in saving money as one of the advantages of being married, consider how much a divorce is going to cost you.

If you think your relationship is the exception to this rule, ask yourself this question.

Can you say, FOR A FACT, that in twenty years, you will feel the same way about your potential spouse that you feel right now.

Really take a moment to think about this question and I think common sense and logic will lead you to the only honest answer you can arrive at.

Of course the answer is NO, you can’t say for sure. If you’ve convinced yourself otherwise consider this.

THE BIGGEST LIES ARE THE ONE’S YOU TELL TO YOURSELF. They are also the one’s that do the most damage.

I can hear all the whiners now, “but, but ,but”. Look, you don’t have to be alone, but you should try to be REALISTIC.

Think about this very very hard before you do something you’re going to regret.

2. VEGAS IS A BLAST, BUT IT DOESN’T LAST

What do you do when you go to Vegas? You party your ass off. Fuck Yeah. Nothing wrong with that, sign me up, book the flight, let’s hit the road.

Aren’t you thinking the same thing when you meet someone new?. Of course you do. Who can resist? They’re cute, funny, and they meet all the needs of sexually active adults. Fuck Yeah, sounds good to me.

Let’s break down how the adventure will play out.

How do you spend your time in Vegas? Sight seeing, drinking, gambling, eating, and hopefully, fucking your brains out.

What do you do in a new relationship? Sight seeing (dating), drinking, gambling (with your emotions), eating (going out to dinner) and hopefully, fucking your brains out.

How does your time in Vegas end? You’re tired, hung over, broke, ten pounds heavier and if you’ve cheated on your significant other, which most people do ,you’ve probably gotten someone pregnant or even contracted an STD.

How do most marriages end? You’re tired (Emotionally destroyed) hung over (you turn to the bottle), broke ( from having to pay lawyers), ten pounds heavier (if you’re lucky), and if you cheated on your significant other, which most people do, you’ve probably gotten someone pregnant or even contracted an STD.

If you’ve decided I’m wrong or you feel you will be one of the couples that fit into the forty percentile that stay together, then by all means, roll the dice, deal the cards, and spin that wheel of fortune, I wish you all the luck in the world, you’re going to need it.

Why we die

For profits and power they send them to die. For freedom and justice the shell game the lie. So back to their castles to count what they’ve stolen, a country a people destroyed and left broken.

Civilian’s dead bodies all lie at their feet. Religious fanatics still run in the street. For Muhammad and Jesus they say is the purpose. I hope that one day they’ll see their absurdness.

I search for the answers and seek what is meant, off to fight wars poor kids have been sent. The kids of the rich never having to fear, the wars they’ll not fight from front but from rear. The poor are sent back in boxes with flags, their bodies are buried their families left sad. The rich go to schools with promise and hope, the poor kept sedated on dreams and on dope.

The Relationship Guide: Part 4

Rule 6

Love is Bullshit.

At least, what you think love is.

Think of every relationship you’ve had and ask yourself what went wrong. I’ll tell you what went wrong. You met some chick or dude that was nice to you and held you in their arms and fucked your brains out and you thought that was love.

Guess what? It wasn’t.

Human beings are shallow, needy, pathetic, weak, delusional creatures, period. In your lonely, vulnerable, pathetic state, as a member of the club of the lonely, you took what you could get as fast as you could get it.

Don’t beat yourself up, everyone has done it, but you have to be aware of how and why you enter into bad relationships in order to have a successful one.

One of the key elements of being in a successful relationship is YOU HAVE TO LIKE THE OTHER PERSON.

This is why I advise hooking up with friends. YOU ALREADY LIKE THEM.

The single most important component to a long term relationship is you have to LOVE SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE NOT FOR WHAT THEY DO FOR YOU.

When you truly love someone it will not be for how hot they are or for how long they can bone your brains out. These may be incredibly awesome fringe benefits but when relationships are entered into based solely on satisfying physical and emotional needs and desires they are inevitably doomed to fail.

No relationship can maintain the level of emotional intensity, which most people think is love, that is present during the first year or so of a new relationship. When that intensity is gone, and it is inevitable that it will fade, you better be dam sure you like the other person because if you don’t, you will have no other reason to want to be with them. Unless you were stupid enough to have a kid with them. There’s a recipe for happiness, being stuck with someone that, not only do you not “love” anymore, you fucking hate their guts. Pretty sweet.

Most relationship are based on a fantasy, an idea you have of the other person because you simply don’t know them well enough yet. When you truly get to know someone, all too often, the facade fades away and the reality sets in that they are not what they seemed to be and the dream and often the relationship is over.

There are certain criteria you can use to see if you will be compatible with a potential partner and will give you TANGIBLE variables for creating a connection with the other person beyond the superficial shit that doesn’t last.

1. DO YOU HAVE COMMON INTERESTS?
I like going to the movies, museums, out to see bands, to the beach, and to the mountains. So I would like to be with someone who likes to do those things as well. Makes sense right?

“Well, he likes paintball, but I don’t really like paintball, I like the pottery barn”.

Yeah, there’s a match made in heaven.

I can hear the cry’s of the pitifully desperate now saying, “It’s good to have different interests. That way you don’t get sick of each other”.

Yeah, he’s not going to get sick of you because he’s going to be with the chick he met at paintball.

2. DO YOU LIKE THE SAME KIND OF LEISURE ACTIVITIES?
Television, Music, Books, Magazines, are often major components of people’s lives, so invariably; this can cause problems if you can’t agree on what to watch or listen to when you are together. If you like Garth Brooks and he likes Metallica, I see a problem there.

3. DO YOU HAVE THE SAME OPINION ABOUT WORLD AFFAIRS?
I’m pretty liberal and often don’t agree with many aspects of the right wing agenda. I would not be compatible with a bible thumper who likes Bill O’Rielly.

You have the same interests, you like the same kinds of music or TV shows, and you have similar ideas about how the world should work. That’s a pretty good start but you should constantly be evaluating your compatibility with whoever you are trying to create a relationship with or you are setting yourself up for failure.

Human beings need love. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it can leave you so vulnerable that you end up ignoring major red flags and compatibly issues. Be honest with yourself. What’s the saying, Love is blind? Love isn’t blind, you are. Wake the fuck up.

PART 5 PENDING

Crushed

I looked at the world through their eyes but couldn’t bear what I saw .  The casualties of self preservation are offered up as a sacrifice in exchange for a few pennies to pay the mortgage. The residue of betrayal leaves an odor that lingers. Accustomed to the smell they’re oblivious to the filth. When they offer you membership you become an apprentice of the ruthless.  A ritual is performed where you drink from the stained cup as an initiation, then renounce your virtues to confirm your allegance to the undead.  Slowly you lose yourself.  A slice here, a chunk there, obtuse to the transformation, conformity gone wrong, you’ll build your castle and bludgeon the condemned with the stones you find at your feet.   As you perfect your skills you’ll feast on the weak and revell in your victories.  Make no mistake if there is a choice between truth and security the lie becomes the mortar that seals the concrete tomb of your soulless existence.

The Relationship Guide: Part 3

Rule 5

Be yourself.

Once you’re on your date or hook up or whatever, just be yourself.

Don’t make up a bunch of stupid lies that you think are going to make you look more attractive, unless you really think you can pull it off, liars usually get busted.  If the other person doesn’t like what you have to offer FUCK THEM.  There are a million fish in the sea.  Throw that bitch (bitch can be a man or a woman) back.  If you follow these simple rules you will have endless opportunities to cut yourself off from the rest of the world with a relationship.

Rule 6

Do Your Homework

If you aren’t a fun person to be around or can’t at least be fairly entertaining with an interesting anecdote or two, stay home and sign up for online porn, because you are a fucking pod and yes, you are undateable.  Unless you find another pod to be with, then you can be happy with your uneventful lives together.  You see, everyone wins here.

Part of what it takes to keep someone attracted to you is a certain level of entertainment.   If you can’t keep the other person entertained at a certain level, what is there to keep them interested in you.

The easiest way to do this is to have fun. The easiest way to do that is to HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT IN A FUNNY WAY OR INTERESTING WAY.

Newspapers, magazines, whatever you can discuss with a certain amount of humor and wit, will stimulate the other persons mind, which will intern stimulate other more important regions.  Always have something ready to talk about so you’re ready for situations like I mention in Part 1

OK, so you’ve found someone who likes you, you’ve gone out on a date, you’re starting your relationship, you fall in love, and you’re happier than you ever thought possible.

Guess what? It won’t last.

PART 4 PENDING

The Relationship Guide: Part 2

Rule 3

Be aware and LOOK FOR THE LOOK.

Whenever you go out be aware of your surroundings and be especially aware of PEOPLE THAT ARE LOOKING AT YOU.

PEOPLE THAT LOOK AT YOU ARE DOING SO BECAUSE THEY LIKE WHAT THEY SEE, USUALLY.

I can hear the pathetic losers now. “Nobody looks at me”. Bullshit. Unless you look like the hunchback of Notre Dame, there are people in the world who like your ugly ass. You are most likely not paying close enough attention or don’t realize what is happening when someone is checking you out.

Rule 4

Be proactive.

People do find you attractive. When someone is looking your way. GO TALK TO THEM.

Say hi, introduce yourself, ASK THEM THEIR NAME, BE NICE and GET A PHONE NUMBER.

If you’re unsuccessful, don’t take it personal. Do you find every person you see attractive? Of course not, so don’t expect everyone to find you attractive.

If you are successful and are in a position to take it to the next level on the spot, do so by asking if they want get some coffee. If not, SAY GOODBYE AND WALK AWAY.

FOR THE MEN

One thing I think is interesting and what you should always be aware of is, you are constantly throwing off vibes that women pick up on. I’m always surprised at how often I get an opportunity to meet a girl when I am not thinking about, well, trying to meet a girl. I’m not the first one to talk about this phenomenon but I have to include it because it’s so fucking true. Women can tell when you don’t give a shit about what they’re doing and it activates their instinct to be the center of attention.

When you’re preoccupied, your body language and demeanor are relaying the message that you’re not paying attention to them, and it drives them crazy.  This is especially true for girls that think they are “all that”.  Pretty girls get a lot of attention, and probably have their whole life.  If you don’t give them that attention it does something to their brain and you can almost see them thinking to themselves. “Why isn’t this guy checking me out?”.

Many of life’s interactions have a lot to do with being able to capitalize and manipulate situations in your favor.  The point I think you should consider, more than just trying to score, is that we are genetically predisposed to certain behaviors.  The female gender has hundreds of thousand of years of instinct driving their behavior to attract a mate and procreate. The male gender has as many years of instinct to plant their seed.  Men have the need to pursue, women have the need to be pursued.  How is this relative to our discussion? If you recognize this you can use it to your advantage when you find yourself in the vicinity of a girl that you might think is out of your league.  She isn’t.

I find asking them about something totally unrelated to hitting on them, like where to find something they have in their grocery cart, or their opinion about what’s going on in the world, are good ice breakers. People love to be asked their opinion on things, it makes them feel important, and we all like to feel important.

Whatever she says try to respond with a humorous, witty remark, but not at her expense, don’t insult her, big turn off. If she laughs, you’re in. Get her number. If she gives it to you, pour on your best “I just remembered”.

You: Do you know, “Generic Band Name”

Her: “Yes/No”

You: Oh man, they’re playing tonight at “Generic Club Name”. we should go.

Hopefully you charmed the pants off of her and she agrees. If everything goes well, you’ll get to rip the pants off of her, consensually of course.

All of the above advise can just as well be utilized by the ladies.